“I’m an idiot, What use am I to anybody, What good am I to anybody I’m a loser , I’m pathetic , what exactly am I good for, I can’t get anything right, Why do I bother, I hate myself, I’M NOTHING TO ANYONE”, etc.
And on the self-talk goes.
Sound familiar to you? Been there before? I know I have. Why do we sometimes or often feel or think this way? I would guess it’s because we feel better when wallowing in self-pity. After all, no-one else will feel sorry for us, therefore we might as well fell sorry for ourselves. It’s our comfort blanket to shield us from the realities of lie. It’s easier to play the victim, than to take responsibility for our situation.
However, we can be in the strange situation of accepting full responsibility for ourselves and still continue the self-talk which if we’re not careful, can spill into something pretty self-destructive and harmful for our mental state.
We let our frustrations boil over (a natural part of human behaviour) and we resort to blaming ourselves for everything, tearing ourselves apart with such vitriol and self-loathing over why we failed at this or that task.
From my perspective, I feel we have come (at least within Western society) to compare ourselves with others, so that no matter what great things we might have done in the past, it’s put to the back and rubbished while our failures, setbacks and defeats are poured over and scrutinised in great detail until we drive ourselves mad with overanalysis.
Stress can be caused by excessive worry, as well as other emotions such as anger.
When we get angry or frustrated over a failure of some sort, we actually lose control and slide easily into the ‘victim’ mindset where we start feeling outside forces are all conspiring against us. We see failure as an extension of ourselves, as if the setback and the individual were one and the same. We also start to feel everything that went wrong is our own fault and therefore, we don’t deserve any happiness.
The bottom line is that as frustrating it might be to not be able change our past, we MUST look forward and ask ourselves: “what can/will I give to friends/family/society, that I know would be valuable? Sometimes the greatest thing we can give is ourselves. When we look deep inside and discover we are unique and here for a purpose, we can start to look at what good we can bring to the world, remembering that it’s not always the grand gestures or spectacular successes that make us special and valuable to others, but WHOM WE ARE as people that matters. When we realise this, we can then shift our perspective from being a fearful, helpless victim who feels worthless, to a strong human being who accepts that failures and setbacks are as normal and regular as breathing or blinking.
I myself stopped trying to be perfect and I stopped seeing failure as an extension of myself. That meant I could handle the disappointments far better without taking things personally. Never think of failure as part of of you. Instead, simply accept that you made a mistake, will continue to make mistakes and fail and develop a healthy self-liking that allows for failure, as long as you learn from each experience.
Friday, March 27, 2009
It's WHO we know that matters in our personal growth
Many years ago when I worked in sales, I used to hang around with a certain type of person. This person was actually one of my closest friends at the time. We would chat and joke during work, occasionally play pranks and generally have a good time. It helped that we were both top salespeople. We would often go to a pub or bar at lunch and drink lots and occasionally come back to work late. However, we were never seriously disciplined because we were both top salespeople. At the weekend, we’d hang out with our other friends who worked in mundane but relaxed office jobs, chatting about women, drink and football what parties we planned to go to. We had money in our pockets and spent it freely, be it on takeaway food, DVDs, drinks at the pub or bar or general going out. Life seemed great and easy.
Then I started feeling slightly more and more sick each time I’d come back from a late night out. At first it was an enjoyable feeling of intoxication, a liberated feeling where you could be the person you always wanted, fearless and talking with everyone and anyone. Even falling asleep on the train one time and staggering home, not quite knowing where I was felt funny at the time!
But slowly and surely, the drink took its toll. I would go to bed so late that I’d need twice the amount of sleep normally required to make it out of bed. This affected my getting ready for work. When I joined my first company as a sales executive, I was regularly at my desk by 8.30 am. Now, I was getting into work around 8.50. I was still arriving on time, but everything was rushed as a result of my late nights and oversleeping. 8.50am became 8.55, then 9.00am then 9.05, 9.10, 9.15, 9.20, 9.29, 9.40, then finally 9.50. A whole hour late from the time I was arriving at when my hangovers weren’t yet a major problem. The times mentioned above were all actual moments when I got into work.
The result was that I came in disorganised, unfocused and full of excuses for my poor sales performance, from blaming the trains I travelled on, to everyone I spoke to on the phone being ‘not nice’ to me. My sales figures dropped and for the first time in as long as I could remember, senior management started showing signs of concern.
They shouldn’t have been the only people caring however. My health was affected too. I put on weight, approximately a stone or just over that in about a month. My binging with my friends on all sorts of food, from fried chicken, to subway sandwiches, Chinese, kebabs, fish and chips and fry-ups at a café nearby to work, all started to add up. I felt bloated and my legs started to hurt badly, just from slowly climbing the stairs. This couldn’t be – I was a martial artist only a couple of years earlier and I also played football and basketball, though my pursuit of money took over from health. All this wasn’t right, but I just carried on regardless, always believing it could be solved with just waking up earlier one morning or resisting my fatty favourite foods for one day. Then things would change, after all, I had willpower didn’t I?
I went two and a half months without a sale and was on a final warning, not just about that, but my persistent lateness. It didn’t make any difference. One week later I was at home, flicking through the papers and surfing the net for a job. I had an exercise bike which I hardly used and I decided to get on it and pedal for a good hour. I was on the bike for nearly two hours and when I finished and showered, I sat down and thought carefully through how the last year and a half could have turned upside down for me. It was at that point that I realised the uncomfortable truth that I dared not admit to myself; my associations with my friends, had slowly become the ruin of me. At that point, I decided that from then on, I would no longer spend so much time with them, chatting about triviality, eating or drinking at places where I would only get a fat stomach, hangovers and a lighter bank account. It was time to become a different person, for the better.
Contrary to what some people might have thought, I didn’t totally cut my friends out my life completely – that would have been a bit drastic. However, I did make a big effort to distance myself from them and surround myself instead with people who would enhance my character. I went to the gym, more for working out rather than any healthy cardiovascular exercise. I learnt a hell of a lot about a balanced diet and fitness training. I applied these and have continued to do so since then. I went to business networking events and met people who were good with money; those already had ‘been there and done that’. I kept looking for those already successful and slowly I stopped seeing the fun in just ‘having fun’ in my old friend’s eyes. I started making goals and thought a lot about the future. I began to take my life seriously. Interestingly, I felt so much better after all that. I created a worthwhile purpose.
You see, the relationships and associations we have with people of good or bad moral/social standing affects us so subtlety that we aren’t even aware that the faults we repeat like bad habits, are a possible consequence of our, associations with the wrong type of people. We must always fight vigilantly, to make sure our minds are filled with positive visions and that we choose the right people to provide us with those messages. I did and I haven’t looked back since.
Then I started feeling slightly more and more sick each time I’d come back from a late night out. At first it was an enjoyable feeling of intoxication, a liberated feeling where you could be the person you always wanted, fearless and talking with everyone and anyone. Even falling asleep on the train one time and staggering home, not quite knowing where I was felt funny at the time!
But slowly and surely, the drink took its toll. I would go to bed so late that I’d need twice the amount of sleep normally required to make it out of bed. This affected my getting ready for work. When I joined my first company as a sales executive, I was regularly at my desk by 8.30 am. Now, I was getting into work around 8.50. I was still arriving on time, but everything was rushed as a result of my late nights and oversleeping. 8.50am became 8.55, then 9.00am then 9.05, 9.10, 9.15, 9.20, 9.29, 9.40, then finally 9.50. A whole hour late from the time I was arriving at when my hangovers weren’t yet a major problem. The times mentioned above were all actual moments when I got into work.
The result was that I came in disorganised, unfocused and full of excuses for my poor sales performance, from blaming the trains I travelled on, to everyone I spoke to on the phone being ‘not nice’ to me. My sales figures dropped and for the first time in as long as I could remember, senior management started showing signs of concern.
They shouldn’t have been the only people caring however. My health was affected too. I put on weight, approximately a stone or just over that in about a month. My binging with my friends on all sorts of food, from fried chicken, to subway sandwiches, Chinese, kebabs, fish and chips and fry-ups at a café nearby to work, all started to add up. I felt bloated and my legs started to hurt badly, just from slowly climbing the stairs. This couldn’t be – I was a martial artist only a couple of years earlier and I also played football and basketball, though my pursuit of money took over from health. All this wasn’t right, but I just carried on regardless, always believing it could be solved with just waking up earlier one morning or resisting my fatty favourite foods for one day. Then things would change, after all, I had willpower didn’t I?
I went two and a half months without a sale and was on a final warning, not just about that, but my persistent lateness. It didn’t make any difference. One week later I was at home, flicking through the papers and surfing the net for a job. I had an exercise bike which I hardly used and I decided to get on it and pedal for a good hour. I was on the bike for nearly two hours and when I finished and showered, I sat down and thought carefully through how the last year and a half could have turned upside down for me. It was at that point that I realised the uncomfortable truth that I dared not admit to myself; my associations with my friends, had slowly become the ruin of me. At that point, I decided that from then on, I would no longer spend so much time with them, chatting about triviality, eating or drinking at places where I would only get a fat stomach, hangovers and a lighter bank account. It was time to become a different person, for the better.
Contrary to what some people might have thought, I didn’t totally cut my friends out my life completely – that would have been a bit drastic. However, I did make a big effort to distance myself from them and surround myself instead with people who would enhance my character. I went to the gym, more for working out rather than any healthy cardiovascular exercise. I learnt a hell of a lot about a balanced diet and fitness training. I applied these and have continued to do so since then. I went to business networking events and met people who were good with money; those already had ‘been there and done that’. I kept looking for those already successful and slowly I stopped seeing the fun in just ‘having fun’ in my old friend’s eyes. I started making goals and thought a lot about the future. I began to take my life seriously. Interestingly, I felt so much better after all that. I created a worthwhile purpose.
You see, the relationships and associations we have with people of good or bad moral/social standing affects us so subtlety that we aren’t even aware that the faults we repeat like bad habits, are a possible consequence of our, associations with the wrong type of people. We must always fight vigilantly, to make sure our minds are filled with positive visions and that we choose the right people to provide us with those messages. I did and I haven’t looked back since.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
The Mystery of Self Esteem
Your self-esteem is the single most important part of your character. This is the emotional part of your self-image. It is the pivot among which your inner and outer being revolves. It determines your attitude, your personality and how you behave; therefore it is the key to your future successes or failures life.
Quite simply, your self-image is formed by how much you like yourself. Whilst everyone in the world has varying degrees of self-acceptance, many generally fall into one of two categories: either they have a healthy liking and respect for themselves, or they don’t. The behaviours of nearly everyone in the world tend to originate from a deep, fundamental desire to be liked, accepted and respected. Therefore, our self-esteem can be though of as the driving force for virtually everything we as humans do throughout our lives.
We can begin to increase our self-esteem by firstly, developing a compelling self-image of the ideal person we feel we can and should be. This image should be one that isn’t beyond a person’s wildest dreams, but which is nonetheless powerful enough to make one believe it’s possible to be more that what they currently are. People you admire with qualities you value and which you feel you lack, can all be added to the mix, to create a clear and exciting vision of the future you.
The next stage is to take small, but positive and consistent steps to start behaving like your self-ideal. The more that you feel you are acting day-to-day, in accordance with how your self-ideal would act, the more positive and happy you become. You start to see the possibilities of a better future, which might not have been so apparent when your esteem was low.
It helps to carefully monitor your behaviour by making daily notes on how you fared in trying to be a better person, whether it was to be better-organised, calmer in a crisis, patient and positive when encountering problems that might have easily frustrated you in the past, ending procrastination, being better with money/people etc. By regularly reviewing your behaviour first thing in the morning and last thing in the night, you actually develop self-esteem because you are consciously taking positive actions to improve and taking that first step, creates purpose, which itself creates a new energy and excitement that all contributes to increase your self-esteem
The final ingredient however is consistency of purpose. That means that your compelling self-ideal, should always at the forefront of your mind as you go about your daily activities. This means your actions should largely be geared towards consistent reinforcement of good habits in the achievement of becoming a better person. The more consistent your positive actions are, the faster you’ll be in reaching your goal and the greater and quicker your self-esteem will rise. When you see an eventual marked change in your behaviour for the better and you become more confident than ever, it will become very tempting to ‘slack off’ and feel you’ve made it. Don’t let that happen! To safeguard your esteem, build on the hard work you would have put in over previous months/years and continue towards greater things, adopt the attitude of “I can always get better and I WILL get better!”
Quite simply, your self-image is formed by how much you like yourself. Whilst everyone in the world has varying degrees of self-acceptance, many generally fall into one of two categories: either they have a healthy liking and respect for themselves, or they don’t. The behaviours of nearly everyone in the world tend to originate from a deep, fundamental desire to be liked, accepted and respected. Therefore, our self-esteem can be though of as the driving force for virtually everything we as humans do throughout our lives.
We can begin to increase our self-esteem by firstly, developing a compelling self-image of the ideal person we feel we can and should be. This image should be one that isn’t beyond a person’s wildest dreams, but which is nonetheless powerful enough to make one believe it’s possible to be more that what they currently are. People you admire with qualities you value and which you feel you lack, can all be added to the mix, to create a clear and exciting vision of the future you.
The next stage is to take small, but positive and consistent steps to start behaving like your self-ideal. The more that you feel you are acting day-to-day, in accordance with how your self-ideal would act, the more positive and happy you become. You start to see the possibilities of a better future, which might not have been so apparent when your esteem was low.
It helps to carefully monitor your behaviour by making daily notes on how you fared in trying to be a better person, whether it was to be better-organised, calmer in a crisis, patient and positive when encountering problems that might have easily frustrated you in the past, ending procrastination, being better with money/people etc. By regularly reviewing your behaviour first thing in the morning and last thing in the night, you actually develop self-esteem because you are consciously taking positive actions to improve and taking that first step, creates purpose, which itself creates a new energy and excitement that all contributes to increase your self-esteem
The final ingredient however is consistency of purpose. That means that your compelling self-ideal, should always at the forefront of your mind as you go about your daily activities. This means your actions should largely be geared towards consistent reinforcement of good habits in the achievement of becoming a better person. The more consistent your positive actions are, the faster you’ll be in reaching your goal and the greater and quicker your self-esteem will rise. When you see an eventual marked change in your behaviour for the better and you become more confident than ever, it will become very tempting to ‘slack off’ and feel you’ve made it. Don’t let that happen! To safeguard your esteem, build on the hard work you would have put in over previous months/years and continue towards greater things, adopt the attitude of “I can always get better and I WILL get better!”
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Develop your self confidence
As happy as you may be, chances are that you, like many outwardly content men, suffer from a lack of self-confidence. This is not to say that you are overly shy, nervous, inadequate in your daily routine or that you have any serious psychological hang-ups, but it could be a lack of self-confidence if you feel as though you are not living up to your potential. Even if you're reasonably assured most of the time, it is beneficial to do a little mental strengthening every once in a while.
It feels good to be self-confident, which perpetuates more confidence, impresses people and brings you success.
Simply put, self-confidence is a sense of certainty that your own personality is honest, capable and fulfilling. Self-confident people generally have a high self-esteem. If you have a diminished self-esteem, bolstering your self-confidence will help immeasurably. Note that there is a distinguished difference between self-confidence and confidence in general. You may be confident that you can impress a woman or a boss, while at the same time you question whether or not you are interesting to smart women or have chosen the right job. Or, you might walk into a party and command the floor, but as soon as you have a moment to yourself, you wonder if you really fit in. Confidence can exist without self-confidence, meaning that there can be a certain degree of falsehood -- of lying to one's self -- at play. Sort it out.
Threats to your self-confidence can be felt in almost any challenging circumstance, from reading the bus schedule to getting fired. Different men are susceptible to diminished self-confidence on account of different causes. While losing the football match made your neighbour question his physical condition, it didn't bother you nearly as much as failing to impress your boss at today's meeting. The truth is that self-confidence can be attacked by almost anything. Of course, there are common culprits. We each want to be the ideal man for our woman, so we struggle to be financially independent, physically healthy, intelligent, dependable, interesting company and have a strong character. If any of these issues have been wearing away at your manhood lately, take a deep breath and realise that we all have the same thoughts; there's nothing wrong with you.
7. Surround yourself with good people - Make it a point to socialise with people that you share a mutual respect, and who are able to put you in the limelight during conversations. Friendship is a fundamental boost to the self-confidence of both parties. When your mate is quick to recognise that you're a cool guy, you'll notice it too.
8. Be well-rounded - Maintain interest and skill in all aspects of your life. In other words, don't neglect your DIY, your public-speaking voice or your painting & drawing, whatever the hobby is. Meanwhile, don't let your job absorb all of your free time, and make sure your new partner doesn't keep you away from your other passions. To maintain a maximised level of self-confidence, you want all of your personal qualities to be exercised as often as possible.
9. Keep up with the world - Follow the news and do your best to know a little bit about everything. Learn something new every day, and make a point of having an opinion on things, from current events to long-term political issues. This way, you won't feel completely out of touch when you encounter old friends or new acquaintances.
10. Socialise with everyone - The newsagent, the bus driver, the receptionist at your doctor's surgery; it is beneficial to strike up a conversation with anyone who crosses your path. Sharpen your social skills and this will make you more sociable and confident with people, especially strangers. As a result, you won't feel threatened or insecure in unfamiliar situations.
11. Partake in things you excel at - Are you currently a bit overweight, but used to be a star striker? Then stop avoiding the local Sunday league football match and show them what you're made of. You will, more importantly, show yourself what you're made of and build your self-confidence. Even if you have to go out of your way, doing something that you know how to do well will boost your conviction and self-confidence when you do something else.
We all need to boost our self-confidence in different ways and for different reasons. The trick is to find out where you need to improve and then go out and do just that. When you have self-confidence and faith in yourself, life makes more sense and it becomes something you can tackle. So take the bull by the horns -- that bull is you.
It feels good to be self-confident, which perpetuates more confidence, impresses people and brings you success.
Simply put, self-confidence is a sense of certainty that your own personality is honest, capable and fulfilling. Self-confident people generally have a high self-esteem. If you have a diminished self-esteem, bolstering your self-confidence will help immeasurably. Note that there is a distinguished difference between self-confidence and confidence in general. You may be confident that you can impress a woman or a boss, while at the same time you question whether or not you are interesting to smart women or have chosen the right job. Or, you might walk into a party and command the floor, but as soon as you have a moment to yourself, you wonder if you really fit in. Confidence can exist without self-confidence, meaning that there can be a certain degree of falsehood -- of lying to one's self -- at play. Sort it out.
Threats to your self-confidence can be felt in almost any challenging circumstance, from reading the bus schedule to getting fired. Different men are susceptible to diminished self-confidence on account of different causes. While losing the football match made your neighbour question his physical condition, it didn't bother you nearly as much as failing to impress your boss at today's meeting. The truth is that self-confidence can be attacked by almost anything. Of course, there are common culprits. We each want to be the ideal man for our woman, so we struggle to be financially independent, physically healthy, intelligent, dependable, interesting company and have a strong character. If any of these issues have been wearing away at your manhood lately, take a deep breath and realise that we all have the same thoughts; there's nothing wrong with you.
7. Surround yourself with good people - Make it a point to socialise with people that you share a mutual respect, and who are able to put you in the limelight during conversations. Friendship is a fundamental boost to the self-confidence of both parties. When your mate is quick to recognise that you're a cool guy, you'll notice it too.
8. Be well-rounded - Maintain interest and skill in all aspects of your life. In other words, don't neglect your DIY, your public-speaking voice or your painting & drawing, whatever the hobby is. Meanwhile, don't let your job absorb all of your free time, and make sure your new partner doesn't keep you away from your other passions. To maintain a maximised level of self-confidence, you want all of your personal qualities to be exercised as often as possible.
9. Keep up with the world - Follow the news and do your best to know a little bit about everything. Learn something new every day, and make a point of having an opinion on things, from current events to long-term political issues. This way, you won't feel completely out of touch when you encounter old friends or new acquaintances.
10. Socialise with everyone - The newsagent, the bus driver, the receptionist at your doctor's surgery; it is beneficial to strike up a conversation with anyone who crosses your path. Sharpen your social skills and this will make you more sociable and confident with people, especially strangers. As a result, you won't feel threatened or insecure in unfamiliar situations.
11. Partake in things you excel at - Are you currently a bit overweight, but used to be a star striker? Then stop avoiding the local Sunday league football match and show them what you're made of. You will, more importantly, show yourself what you're made of and build your self-confidence. Even if you have to go out of your way, doing something that you know how to do well will boost your conviction and self-confidence when you do something else.
We all need to boost our self-confidence in different ways and for different reasons. The trick is to find out where you need to improve and then go out and do just that. When you have self-confidence and faith in yourself, life makes more sense and it becomes something you can tackle. So take the bull by the horns -- that bull is you.
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